Dear Comedy Central: 10 suggestions from the world of MLB to replace Jon Stewart
That ominous wind you felt blowing in last night: That was Jon Stewart announcing his impending retirement from "The Daily Show." The noted Mets fan and late-night mainstay for 16 years is leaving his show to … attend more baseball games, we presume.
It's TV-shattering news. The episode featuring Stewart's announcement hadn't even aired yet and one question began firing from every tongue: Who will take his place?
Comedy Central has to act fast finding his replacement, lest an all-swallowing black hole in late night rip open and consume everything in its wake. Luckily for them, we have some phenomenal replacement suggestions from the world of MLB.
Mark Teixeira
With "Foul Territory," the Yankees first baseman already has his audition tapes ready to go:
And his pitch: "I'm looking forward to having a great post-baseball career in broadcasting. I do really well with interviews, so I think I'm going to shine."
He just has to work on his delivery a bit.
David Ortiz
As proven by his "Late Show" appearances, Ortiz has great late-night chops.
And who wouldn't watch Big Papi lampoon the day's news?
Ryan Dempster
Recorded evidence that Dempster was born to host his own talk show:
Vin Scully
It's a Rule of the Universe that everyone on Earth would listen to Vin Scully talk about anything. Seriously, anything. Even the weather:
Bonus for Comedy Central: He could be his own announcer.
Derek Jeter
Do you doubt Jeter's comedic timing? His dry wit? His ability to improvise? Doubt no more:
Randy Johnson
Television is a visual medium. The key to being a compelling host is all about the nonverbal cues -- namely the facial expressions. The Big Unit has the perfect reaction face for literally any absurd news story that might arise:
He could just read the newspaper and make that face after every headline and we'd watch every single night. Heck, sign Biggio up as Johnson's no-nonsense correspondent. Guaranteed hit.
Andrew McCutchen
A half-hour every night of Cutch dancing. That's it. That's the new "Daily Show."
Cody Decker
The Padres Minor League infielder has hosted the news before and proven he can bring that extra pizzazz:
And he's already perfected the sign-off: "That's pretty much all I got … Also, remember bow ties are cool."
Hank the Ballpark Pup
No living organism has more cultural cache right now than 2014's Dog of the Year. If Comedy Central wants to make a big splash and break into the coveted canine demographic, Hank is the clear choice. Plus, he looks great in a tuxedo:
Reporter Teens
Remember the two teenagers who broke the Billy Butler to the A's deal? Let's get them to be co-hosts. They have a proven ability to get real news scoops before anyone else. What about fake news scoops?