This story was excerpted from Adam McCalvy¡¯s Brewers Beat newsletter. To read the full newsletter, click here. And subscribe to get it regularly in your inbox.

MILWAUKEE -- Reliever Hoby Milner offered a candid look into his experience with anxiety during a special episode of ¡°The Firemen,¡± this year¡¯s docuseries produced by the Brewers¡¯ in-house video team. The latest episode was released on Friday.

Milner, 33, has a unique Major League success story. He¡¯s a former seventh-round pick out of the University of Texas who began throwing sidearm in 2015 with the Phillies, then bounced around for years, getting designated for assignment on multiple occasions, before having a breakthrough with the Brewers in 2021.

¡°I never really saw myself as [someone] who was going to be a guy who could make a good living as a baseball player,¡± Milner said. ¡°It wasn¡¯t until I got to the Brewers and had some success in the big leagues that I was like, ¡®Ok, maybe I have a shot at having a real career.¡¯¡±

For the first time, Milner is sharing details of how he found the best version of himself. He¡¯s been complimentary in the past of the Brewers¡¯ coaches and front office officials who taught him strategies to maximize his four-pitch mix and deceptiveness, allowing Milner to get outs with a fastball that last season ranked in MLB¡¯s second percentile.

The turning point, Milner says, was taming the anxiety that had bubbled under the surface for a long time. He sought help from a therapist and a psychiatrist, and has taken medication.

¡°I went without anxiety medication for a long time, and I was like, ¡®I just don¡¯t think I could do this without it,¡¯¡± he said. ¡°It keeps me level. It keeps me able to sift out all the ¡®what ifs¡¯ and the negativity. Even the good stuff, it¡¯s like, ¡®It doesn¡¯t matter, I¡¯m just here to do this and then I¡¯ll go home to my family.¡¯¡±

That battle began early in his career. As a boy, Milner, the son of former Blue Jays catcher Brian Milner, was bigger and stronger than the other kids and the game came relatively easily. But as he got older, his start days became difficult. He found himself unable to eat breakfast, then lunch. The feeling that everything that day was riding on his arm was overwhelming.

A switch to bullpen work offered a reprieve because there was always the opportunity to go get ¡®em next time rather than wait until the next start. But it brought its own stresses. On the day he made his Major League debut with the Phillies at Chase Field in Phoenix, Milner says he was thinking, ¡°Is this going to be the last time I ever pitch in the big leagues?¡±

• Watch this exclusive edition of "The Firemen"

That feeling lingered, even as Milner began to have success. He constantly worried about getting demoted.

¡°If you¡¯re worried about going up and down, it is not a good sign,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯ve been there for a long time. That kind of pressure, it feels like life and death.¡±

But now he¡¯s received the help he needed to live with a different outlook. Milner has been a mainstay of the bullpen for the past three seasons, and last year led the team with a career-high 73 appearances. He ranked fifth among National League relief leaders in ERA (1.82) and sixth in WHIP (0.96). He did not allow an earned run in his last 18 outings of the regular season.

Today, he feels different when the bullpen phone rings.

¡°Back when I had a lot of anxiety, it was a pounding heart, like, ¡®Here we go. Oh crap,¡¯¡± MIlner said. ¡°Now I¡¯m a lot more level and I¡¯m excited for when it¡¯s me. It¡¯s like, ¡®Is it me? It¡¯s me. Great. Let¡¯s go do my job.¡¯¡±